Do you know the difference between anger and bitterness? A lot of people don't because the two are so closely related to each other that things get a little confusing. Two weeks ago I wrote all about anger. I said anger was a short-lived reaction while bitterness was a sustained feeling. In this post I want to elaborate on what I meant by that and really try to explain the differences between the two.
When you've been wronged, like by being bullied, it's normal to experience both anger and bitterness. The anger will come first with the bitterness coming after if the anger is not dealt with. Bitterness will consume you. You'll get to a point where everything rubs you the wrong way. You'll always feel like you're on the defensive but may not be sure why. Have you experienced this? Maybe people say you're moody, and you know they're right, but you don't know what to do about it.
Here are five ways in which I've experienced differences between anger and bitterness. I hope this list will give you a better understanding of what you're feeling and allow you to begin to deal with those feelings.
Anger can pass quickly; bitterness latches on and doesn't let go.
When you get angry you can usually get it to pass rather quickly. This may not always seem like the case but sometimes all you have to do is count to 10. That's an oversimplification but, the point is, anger doesn't last forever. Maybe you go for a long walk, or hit the gym, or try to get a good night's sleep and you're able to release that anger. You realize that you were upset in the moment, but now that it has passed you feel differently about the situation.
When you're experiencing bitterness you feel an underlying level of misery all the time. Bitterness feeds off of itself. The more bitter you are, the more miserable you feel; and the more miserable you feel, the more bitter you get. When you become bitter you may focus on revenge, and we all know how bad that is.
Anger isn't always bad; bitterness is never good.
Anger is a normal emotion and it lets us know when a situation is threatening. It's okay to feel angry at times if we've been wronged in some way, as long as we don't let that anger get out of control.
Bitterness keeps us from being happy. It keeps us in a constant state of feeling upset. Over time this can make us sick. It can also ruin our relationships with others and get in the way of forming new relationships. Bitterness provides no value.
We can control anger; bitterness controls us.
Anger can be managed. If we're feeling angry, there are things we can do to deal with that. We can allow ourselves to get angry in the moment, but then realize that once the moment passes there's no need to hold onto that anger.
Bitterness will control us because we won't know how to let it go. Like I said, bitterness will consume you, and it will be present in every aspect of your life. The feeling of bitterness will dictate how you are in every situation. And, most importantly, it will prevent you from being able to move on.
Anger is about a present hurt; bitterness is about a past hurt.
When we feel angry it's because of something that just happened. You can go from not feeling angry to feeling angry with the flip of a switch. If you hold onto that anger then it will last beyond the present moment but it will still be about something that happened fairly recently. It's not going to be about something that happened months ago. Something may have happened months ago that triggers anger in the present moment, but that will again become anger from a present hurt.
Bitterness lingers from something that happened in the past. Bitterness leads to resentment and holding a grudge. Even possibly wanting revenge. Bitterness is always there. You feel so hurt by something that was done to you in your past that you feel hurt all of the time. You're not able to process that hurt in a way that will allow you to think about it without feeling bitter.
Anger is loud; bitterness is quiet.
We all know what anger looks like, right? It's someone yelling and fuming over something that happened. Maybe they're throwing things or slamming things. It's impossible to talk to them. Anger involves loud emotional outbursts like this. Anger is "I'm mad and I want to make sure you know it." There's no attempt to mask anger.
Bitterness, on the other hand, is more internal. Typically, only the person who feels bitter will know about it. Bitterness like to quietly fester. If it festers to the point of making itself known to others then it has done so in the form of an angry outburst. The brunt of anger is felt by the person on the receiving end while the brunt of bitterness is felt by the person who harbors it. Bitterness is something that the embittered person stews in while no one knows about it.
I hope this list has helped you better understand the difference between anger and bitterness, because there certainly is a difference. In the next post I will be writing more about bitterness, in particular, and how bitterness only affects you and not the person or people you feel bitter towards. I'll also try to explain how bitterness can be overcome.
Please leave a comment and let me know if you have any stories or questions.
A note about comments:
Please keep in mind that all comments are moderated to ensure mutual respect. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation.
photo credit: jennnster via photopin cc
Tania Danielsen says
Hi Melissa,
I am a survivor myself and I see myself as being very strong but still have a lot to work through. I haven’t had a full night sleep in around 4 years but I was looking for podcasts for people who deal with trauma and my partner stumbled over your podcast and suggested it to me. I have listened to many since then and must admit that some anxiety have crept in but as we are currently in the whole lockdown that doesn’t help but I do find that since listening to your brilliant podcasts I have been sleeping better. Still not full night sleeps but better thanks to your podcasts. So I really appreciate that you have done so many and as you are currently taking a break from them I am not looking forward to reaching the end but what it have done is inspire me to help others too. I have set a group up on Facebook called Mind your mind and heart. People can talk to me privately or just look at links etc. So if you don’t mind I will leave a link here too where anyone can join. I can’t wait for you to come back and hope all is ok. Thanks for everything
https://www.facebook.com/groups/674279940020299/?ref=share
Regards
Tania
Khushboo says
Wow! Thank you so much! Ive been stuck on rage and bitterness, have passive agressive ways of hurting others, wven wmotionally manipulating(what i learnt from my mum)…. and its literally like a living hell! Im gonna check out more posts o this, and i guess the key is to telease the anger youve accumulated? And so the bitterness will resolve on its own?
Dessa Mercado says
awesome blog. Very compehensive. Thank you Melissa!
Tebogo Digoro says
Thanks a lot. This is so helpful. I now understand the difference.
Jennifer says
Thank you for helping define the differences. I am struggling with bitterness – it’s a past hurt but it’s also ongoing. My ex and his lack of financial support for our young child. If I bring it up with him, he dismisses me as being spiteful…but the reality is that he doesn’t pay his fair share. Is this gaslighting? Am I supposed to just stay silent? I guess so because it doesn’t change things if I bring it up. If I raise it with friends, they say I need to focus on the positives and that I focus too much on the money side of things. While it’s true I can’t change his behaviour and will never be able to force him to contribute, I do feel it is a very unjust situation and I see it replicated in women worldwide who do the lion’s share of child rearing and bear the larger part of costs. To me, that’s an equity issue. A feminist issue. But at my own personal level, my bitterness is not helpful and bad for me.
Keith says
Would love to hear more about how resentment enters into the equation, especially the difference between resentment and bitterness. Thanks.
M.B.MASUKU says
Hi Melissa Thank you so much for your five key differences between anger and bitterness,come to think of your article on anger and bitterness,I shall be presenting a talk on one of these…Bitterness
Thank you so much
Melissa Wilson says
Awesome. Good luck with your talk!
Betty Cousar says
So how do I get rid of the bitterness?
Betty Cousar says
I don’t want to have bitterness in my heart because it’s wrong but my family have hurt me so bad and I just don’t want to be around them my sisters and my brothers I don’t want nothing to do with them I’m tired I’m tired always beening the first to ask for forgiveness of them when things is not even my fault
Michael says
Thanks for sharing your thought. Please can you touch on how to deal with the two (thus how one can escape from them)
nokuthula nhlapo says
thank you for sharing, life experiences made me bitter towards men i always ask myself why me and i cannot live my life now i tried dating again but still the same thing happened i wanna be free from this anger and bitterness how do i deal with them? i cant raise my daughter to be a responsible woman one day with this anger and biterness in me pls help me deal with this.
Melissa Wilson says
Have you talked to anyone about this? I would recommend seeing a therapist to help you process the feelings so that you can be able to move past them. You deserve to be free of them. I wish you the best!
godfred vigbedor says
Thank you for your motivation
Kim lin chin says
Thank you for making me understand the difference. I’m the one who’s always angry and my fiance is the quiet one. Sometimes I think he will hurt me one day because he never speaks.
WandaFaye says
Hi Melissa,
I just wanted to drop by to say thank you for writing this post. It cleared up a lot of confusion about my feelings towards my husband. For the past 4 years I have become increasingly bitter towards him and couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way.
I knew it wasn’t anger, because each time we argued it seemed to get worse and was always the same, bitter, never ending conversation. The more I tried to explain how I felt, the more frequent the arguments happened because of the frustration.
I read this article to him last week (Wednesday) and we spent the entire day digging through our past before the answer finally came about and we both finally understood when, why and how I become so bitter towards him.
I wrote a post about our problem on my blog, Bitter Old Biddy. In it I mentioned this post and included your name and the link, so people could come to your website and read the article. I hope I did it right. Please let me know if I need to remove the link and your name.
Thank you again for this excellent article. You have no idea how happy this has made me.. and my husband!!
Melissa Wilson says
Hi WandaFaye, I’m so glad to hear that. Thank you for sharing that with me. And that’s perfectly fine that you mentioned it on your blog. Thank you.
John Daskivich says
I’ve attended 1-1 psychological counseling that was minimally helpful; I’ve also attended Celebrate Recovery meetings which seemed to be the antithesis of beneficial because there was never any group interaction. I’ve also attended secular group therapy meetings where people share their thoughts but never receive feedback on things they shared. Lastly, I’ve attended group therapy that was moderated by a psychologist. These meetings were the most helpful belcause there was group interaction. The only problem I now face is locating such a group nearby (there don’t appear to be any).
Melissa Wilson says
Hi John, here’s a link where you can search for any groups in your area – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups. If you don’t have any nearby, have you looked for any online communities? I totally understand how having that group interaction can be so beneficial. Hope you’re able to find something that supports you.
Mir says
Wow! This is an answer to prayer for me. Finally things make sense. Thank you
philip Ros says
I agree with the terminology and premise of the article. I have become bitter and it isn’t any fun at all. My bitterness stems from being unfortunate and of knowing that I am a good, decent person who knows what happiness is & looks like but each day it is elusive for me.
Divorced 5 yrs ago after being married 23 years and not told why this occurred left me hurt & baffled. To then make matters much worse, my ex could not be happier! She met her “perfect man.” They travel the world together & enjoy each other to the max. I have been relegated to trying to meet ladies on dating sites. Anyone who knows how terrible a dating site can be for a man, especially an older man, may not be surprised by my failure and disappointment. I have been deceived and ignored time and time again. However, at 65 yrs. old, it remains my only possibility, however, so slim. There just isn’t another way to possible meet someone new. Due to sharing children, I hear more about my ex’s happiness than I care to. I often think I must move away to start over anonymously or maybe just give up on life, let go of any hope and maybe the anxiety would lessen. My defeatist thoughts and bitterness are making me into a person that I do not want to be. I’d rather live a happier life but am feeling that not living at all is better than where I am at now.
Even when I portray a cheerful persona, it does not seem to do any good.
Knowing about bitterness is one thing but feeling helpless about it is something else again.
Melissa Wilson says
Philip, I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. Please don’t give up. You do deserve happiness, too. I do know how frustrating it can be to know what happiness is and what it looks like, but yet feel like it’s just out of reach. Are you able to identify what prevents you from being happy? If you are, then you can see what you can do to get past those blocks. Sometimes it can seem overwhelming, but it’s about making one change at a time. Focus on the things you can change. Focus on creating a life for yourself that you feel good about regardless of how other people are living theirs. One thing that helps me is gratitude and reminding myself of the things that are good. Sometimes we can lose sight of what we do have. But I do understand how difficult it can be and I hope you are able to find some happiness in your life.
Teresa Lilly says
I was accused of being bitter about my life situation. It is true that most may think if you are angry, you must be bitter. I am angry when I see the very present consequences of past choices and even continuing of same because the person sees no need for change though told by others deep and vast changes are needed. This article helped me to realize that I do know the difference between these two. Thank you. I am past the offenses, but the consequences will last. I practice holding out forgiveness so that it is there to meet the offenses when they come. It works!
Mariah says
I just have to say thank you for this post. I grew up almost my whole entire life with bitterness in my soul from things I’ve experienced during my childhood. That bitterness inside of me sure did control me.. I was so miserable I coped with the hurt within by self harm during junior High school and eventually turned to drugs and alcohol when I reached High School… It only went downhill from there until I hit my rock bottom (losing everything that mattered, losing myself, being suicidal, and in some pretty bad situations) & I landed myself in jail for the first time for less than a week by the time I turned 18. From there they had me do this thing called PC1000, it’s like where I was on informal probation and had to pass random drug tests over a period of time.. Well I moved into sober living cause I ran out of options–nobody wanted me around because I was trouble. I moved into Frank Flagman’s sober living in Anaheim, California and put my all into the program. I got a sponsor and got into rigorous action and was very thorough and honest when working the 12 steps of AA. I have never known such a peace and serenity until Alcoholics Anonymous and everything to do with it: the sponsor, the fellowship, the 12 steps which are my spiritual kit of tools that I use on a daily basis. My bitterness lead to self harm to drugs to suicide attempts to hitting rock bottom which landed me in psych wards, getting therapy, trying to go to Church more, but none of those things did the trick. It was when I combined AA with having a Higher Power, which for me is of course God-Christianity- I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, that I was able to let God do for me what I could not do for myself.
Melissa Wilson says
Thanks for sharing your story, Mariah. Bitterness can cause us all sorts of problems. I’m glad that you were able to find something that has helped you get to a better place today.
FluffleMuffin says
Dang. I’ve been feeling bitterness for almost 10 years. Surprised it hasn’t killed me yet, considering how young & supposedly “stupid” I am. Lol, I was just told that not long ago. I’m not very convinced, however. I’ve also been told I have a strong mind though, so, there’s that. Very conflicting information.
Makes loving people that much more difficult. Never know when they’ll have an outburst & you’ll have to stand there & listen to it. Worst part is, they never know what they’re doing to me & I can’t get a word in edgewise. Sometimes, when they realise that they were arguing about something that wasn’t even related, they decide to take it all back & wonder why I never said anything in the end. I usually just throw curveballs like those for kicks though. I did that recently, too.
Usually only happens when I’m mentally tired & can’t be bothered repeating the same old, boring arguments that always end on a one-sided note. Even if nobody said I have a strong mind, I’d still feel it in my bones. Lol. Anyway…
It’s nice to be able to identify why I feel like I’m not experiencing life to its fullest extent. I’ve always thought I was just really angry or depressed inside because I could never talk to anyone & so it built up. I suppose it did, but not in the form of emotion that I expected. I usually appear to never hold a grudge.
However, I do tend to bring up the past a bit much, considering. Appear all lovely & kind usually, but sometimes… I bring some really harsh sentences to the table that upset the people I should care about most, & all without swearing or yelling. I just know exactly how to push their buttons & then stick their own weapon in them. I shouldn’t feel like my family is also my enemy, but I do. Leaves me questioning whose side they’re really on.
As for friends, I don’t really have them. Support networks aren’t really my thing & I probably SHOULD make them my thing, but I’m just not very social. I mean, I can crack jokes & act all nice on the surface, but ultimately, nobody ever truly gets to know me. That’s my surface act, a script I’ve perfected over time. Makes for a good comedian, but not so much a good connection.
My mother clings onto the experiences she had with me as a child in order to try & manipulate me as a teenager, but that just doesn’t work. I’m not who I once was. Time changes all, whether we choose to accept that fact or not, & I for one would much rather move on. Thank you very much for this article.
I’ve read the other one on how to deal with bitterness. I’ve gotta say, it doesn’t seem as hard as it otherwise could be. After all, it’s still a part of me, albeit neglected. I simply need to console that part of myself & allow it to be freed from the shackles I’ve placed on myself. It worked for a while & helped keep me safe, but as I’ve said previously, time changes everything.
Sometimes, I wish time could also change our problems to be more noticed & bearable, but I also know that such things would take away from the joy of experiencing self-growth at our own leisure. I can’t talk about this to people in real life. They prefer more physical material. Which is hilarious, considering my mother is a hypnotherapist. Even she is a human being who can’t see everything, though.
One day, none of this will matter, & I’ll look upon all I’ve achieved & wonder why I ever decided to give up in the first place. That will be a lovely day & I’ll be sure to revel in it while I can, when it happens. For now though, I need to focus on building the foundations for such a day. & that starts by changing myself.
I feel like words can’t express how grateful I am. & usually, I can’t apologise for things anymore either. A life can’t be fully measured in the words one says to describe it. Even so, thank you anyway. Thank you. I’m certain this will change my life for the better in the years to come, even if others can’t come to accept me for who I am to my fullest extent.
Melissa Wilson says
Thank you for sharing. I’m glad that the article has been helpful for you. I think it’s great that you are focusing on building foundations and things you can do to change yourself. We can’t control what other people will do or say or think about us, but we can do things to affect how we feel about ourselves. I wish you all the best.
Sue Dot says
Hello, I’m an expert at holding grudges; even from my school days which were many many moons ago. Pillow bashing helps with the anger, but bitterness has developed into joint pain. My upbringing was extremely strict with little freedom; hence becoming a nervous individual with no confidence. I keep my head down and live quietly keeping occupied, but the mind is strong and remembers the past too much.
jj says
Thank you, that was a very helpful article.
Caroline says
Hi thanks for the article of the difference between anger and bitterness. I am experiencing bitterness myself for quiete a time now probably many years. and it has affected my entire life just like you said. I never knew it though untill now in my 20s i am starting to understand things clearer. I was afraid i might have a mental illness because of my parents. My fther is bipolar, but never was with me in my child hood and i grew up with out him and my mother had paranoia psquizofrenia and i allways felt angry at her and my grandparents and family never treated me like family since i moved to Panama pty caribean sunny country… I felt alone oftenly and i though that that part of my past was forgotten i guess it was , but it affected me in feeling bitterness and in school never hd good relationships making bad decisions in life and i grew up with more bitterness with the entire world. In all my past jobs i have trouble with my coworkers because i am allways defensive with everyone because i feel they will be unfair with me and i repeat the same story over and over again. last night i had a bad day at work and startied crying uncontrollably in the bathroom wich i locked and stayed there for 2 hours once i finishe dmy shift i just started thinking and got extremely depressed and suicidall… it is now i understand all this anger inside me wich i allways feel no one understands me and wich to explode in a way but i dont want to harm anyone so i prefer to keep thing to myself since i allways feel guilty one since i notice i am allways discussing with my coworkers so i think its my fault and not theirs thpugh i feel the world is unfair with me. I AM NOT SURE WHAT TO DO. i will try to overcome this since i dont want to die and know what is on the other side of after life and i hate to gurt my moms feeling or abandon all my efforts of trying to complete my carreer as a system information engeeneer…. i wanted to prove myself i was capable of being in a high scientinfic carreer to prove my inteligence i do think it is posiible thought this problem isnt making iot any easy. I am feling hatefull towards my own self and my self of steem is low again… If you read all this thank you my friend.
Melissa Wilson says
Caroline, I can relate to how you are feeling. I used to feel these things myself. I want you to know that you are not alone and that things can get better, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. And it’s not your fault that you feel this way. You feel this way because of what you went through. It seems like you have been able to have some accomplishments with your career and there’s no reason you can’t have more. Please hang in there and take good care of yourself. And feel free to reach out if there’s anything I can do to help.
RoxAnn reid says
Hi Melissa, I just wanted to say “Thank you!” You have NO IDEA how this acrticle just helped me. I’m going on a Christian Women’s Retreat this weekend and the thing I want a release from is bitterness that I’ve been holding inside for a little over a year now. Can you email this article to me @ FocsiRocsi@gmail.com please? Thank you & God bless! RoxAnn
Melissa Wilson says
Hi RoxAnn, I’m so glad to hear that it helped you. I’ll send you the email. Best of luck at your retreat!
Lynn Zachmann says
I believe when u have been dealt a sustaining injury anger too is sustaining…it doesnt “eat u up” neither do u need to forgive to go on with ur life happily. Anger in such a sustaining citcumstance is to my mind appropriate, in that it is a great motivator for life improvement as opposed to bitterness which may lead to depression, feeling sorry for oneself. A certain level of sustained anger on the other hand is liberating…bursting from a confined space into the joy of sunshine with energy and determination.
Melissa Wilson says
Hi Lynn, thank you for your comment and your thoughts on the topic. Anger is a natural emotion and is not always a bad thing, just as you describe. I’m glad to hear that you’ve been able to use it as a source of motivation for you.
Chris says
Hi Melissa
Interesting article. What part does forgiveness play in this? Can anger be properly dealt with if there is no forgiveness, and does the anger then turn into bitterness? Can one be healed of bitterness without forgiveness?
Melissa Wilson says
Hi Chris, thanks for the comment. Those are some great questions that I’ll do my best to answer for you.
First off, I believe that forgiveness has a very big part to play in this. I can say for myself that I wasn’t able to let go of my anger and bitterness until I was able to forgive. Once I was able to find forgiveness for those who hurt me, as well as for myself, then I felt more at peace. Forgiveness is for us, it’s not for them. It was very draining for me to hold onto those feelings of anger and bitterness, which were not serving me in any way. All it was doing was holding me back. Of course forgiveness isn’t easy though. And it’s not a one and done thing.
There are things that can be done to deal with anger even if there is no forgiveness. It’s important to find healthy outlets for the anger such as exercise, sports, meditation, counting to 10, etc. The important thing to remember is that anger is normal; it’s not letting it get out of control that’s important. And anger can definitely turn into bitterness, which makes it so important to learn strategies to control the anger.
To answer you last question, there are things you can do to deal with the bitterness that don’t involve forgiving, but I’m not sure that all of the bitterness can go away without it. My other post on bitterness address this a little bit. You might also find my two posts on the topic of forgiveness helpful as well.
I hope this helps.
Melissa
AJ Walton says
Interesting perspective, I never really thought about anger as a positive before, or the fact it’s controllable – which of course it often is.
I think recalling the past can still cause us to feel anger though. I rarely feel bitterness myself, but anger I’m much more prone to, and the past can draw it out.
In any case, I like the juxtaposition, thanks for sharing!
Melissa Wilson says
AJ, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this one. I suppose it is kind of strange to think about anger as a positive thing. Of course it isn’t always, but it can be a good protective mechanism for us.